Saying No
I’ve always been a ‘yes girl’.
Need a lift? I got you.
Want to borrow my entire wardrobe? Sure thing.
Working overtime? No problem at all.
Want to go on a night out even though I feel tired exhausted and just want to stay in bed? OK FINE.
If people pleasing was a sport I’d win gold every time. As someone who doesn’t like letting people down the word yes just rolled off my tongue. I took pride in being a yes girl; to me saying yes all the time would open me up to opportunities and I could be the person everyone could rely on.
One day last year I confided in my auntie amid a (very minor and very undramatic) life meltdown. Obviously having heard it all before my auntie said to me:
“You know Lestie, you can’t pour from an empty cup. When your cup is empty you need to stop and recharge to fill it up again otherwise life is never going to get easier.”
To which I replied:
“I know, but the problem is every time I fill my cup up, everyone just comes and sticks their straws in and drinks from it before I get a chance to have some for myself!!!”
And that my friends, is the perfect metaphor for someone who has ZERO boundaries. I was being walked all over due to no fault but my own… I couldn’t blame people for drinking from my cup when I was not only saying yes, but practically handing them the straw.
So, at the grand old age of 26 I began to realise that my theory was flawed and that saying yes all the time would eventually become unsustainable.
The irony is, the year I stopped saying yes and started saying no, was the year that brought the most opportunities to my little life.
2021 was the year I started saying no and here’s what happened…
Out with the old in with the new
I love to indulge in the idea that there is a higher power out there that knows what the future holds for me, and whilst I’m pretty sceptical about the whole horoscope, fortune teller, prophecy thing, nothing excites me more than cracking open a fortune cookie.
Let’s be honest they are normally pretty underwhelming or make absolutely no sense whatsoever, BUT this was the year that my future was written in the stars and told by none other than a small sugary biscuit containing a slip of paper.
I’ve noticed that my life seems to run in 2 year periods: every 2 years I hit my sell by date where I get restless and in need of change. Now as you can imagine, after life basically coming to a halt over the last 18 months it was in the first half of the year that I started to feel pretty unfulfilled.
This need for change has manifested itself in a lot of ways in the past, some larger scale like moving to a different country, others less dramatic like dying my hair a bright shade of pink.
I had been working for the same brand for two years and it’s safe to say I was deeply attached to the job. I loved the business but also the people in it and if anyone made a comment about me moving on or working somewhere else, I would just laugh and shake my head.
Making the decision to leave was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it wasn’t the same business as it was when I had started, and I knew that it was time to move on.
Here is something I wrote down amidst all this:
“I actually never thought I would be writing this down but I think it’s time for me to go.
OF COURSE there is part of me that questions whether this is self-sabotage, whether I’m choosing to leave because it’s got hard and I’ve challenged myself on that, been resilient and tried to push past it.
I’m sure there will be days when I question whether I made the right choice, but the fear of the unknown shouldn’t hold me back from doing what I know is right and I shouldn’t have to feel like a failure for quitting something that isn’t right for me anymore. I must follow my gut and do what is best for my mental health.”
I went against the majority advice and quit without a backup plan. I had no job lined up or any idea of what was going to happen next and I’ll be honest, it was terrifying but the fear was a small price to pay for freeing myself from a situation that was no longer serving me. And besides, the fortune cookie had TOLD me something else was coming.
And it did.
Things I learnt when I left:
- There are no prizes for over promising
- Quitting does not make you a failure
- Boundaries at work are not only useful to you but to the expectations others have of you
- By over functioning you are creating a life that is unsustainable
- It’s ok to feel sad about making the right decision
Red Flags
There is one place that is an exception to the rule, somewhere that I probably say no more than I say yes.
Hinge.
My close friends will know that my dating history has been less than ideal, and 9 times out of 10 I’ve always got a story to share. This may give the impression that I date a lot, but in fact I’m actually pretty inconsistent with it… it’s just over the last few years I haven’t made the best decisions.
*I need to briefly pause this insert by saying that in my lifetime I’ve also had some lovely dates and to those people the above does not apply*
I have SO much to say on dating and TRUST me I’ve written it all down, you’ll just have to wait for the novel to come out.
You see for a while I’ve been coming at dating from completely the wrong angle and all it took was a simple restructure for me to finally understand where I had been going wrong all these years.
Have you ever had a friend who is dating someone who you know isn’t right for them? They come to you for advice, and when things don’t go as planned it’s not uncommon to hear them asking the questions “What’s wrong with me, why was I not good enough for them?”
As an outsider looking in, you want to shake them and scream “YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.”
Instead of going into dating hoping that you are good enough for someone, we should be figuring out whether that person is good enough for you. What I’ve come to realise is one must treat dating like a business interview.
Hear me out on this one.
Quite recently I started dating someone. The normal pattern for me is to redownload Hinge for 2 days, get overwhelmed and then delete it and go back into hibernation for another 6 months.
So, on one of my two days back in the game this guy came out of nowhere and took me by surprise. We had some really good dates and got on very well but once the initial excitement had started to wear off, I began to notice some signs that made me question whether he was right for me. I started to get that anxious feeling, when your intuition is telling you:
“Abort mission”
And let me tell you, every time I’ve ignored that feeling… it has always ended badly. It’s easy to mistake having a good time for chemistry and in the past I’ve held on to people that weren’t right because I was romanticizing unhealthy relationships. I wanted to be what they needed, or I held on to the idea I had of them rather than paying attention to the behaviours that were showing me who they actually were, and that is when I get hurt. Some connections are temporary, and you will always know how healthy a connection is for you by how you feel after interactions.
The thing is, I care a lot. It is simultaneously my biggest strength and biggest weakness, and as I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that I need to protect and save that energy for people who deserve it. It’s dangerous to get comfortable existing in spaces where you know you deserve better and I wasn’t going to fall into unhealthy patterns again.
I don’t think he is a bad person or had any bad intent, but he didn’t match my values, wants or needs and I knew I would end up disappointed down the line.
I truly believe that everyone who crosses your path does so for a reason, even if only for a short period of time. This guy was sent to me as a test, and I’m pleased to say I passed with flying colours. I listened to my gut and said no to something that didn’t make me feel good.
When you’re interviewing for a job, the good ones know exactly who they are looking for. They have outlined their visions, goals and needs and they already know the qualifications and traits that someone will need to meet them.
So as disappointing and sometimes painful as each unsuccessful dating scenario is, I know that how someone else treats me does not make me any less valuable. I am now so clear on what I want and anyone who doesn’t meet that will be unsuccessful in making it to the next round of interviews.
If you are aware of someone treating you poorly and don’t tell them directly, you’re giving away your power.
So in the words of Alan Sugar:
You’re fired.
Yeah but no but
The year I started to normalise saying no and put-up stronger boundaries around myself I suddenly had a lot more time on my hands.
I stopped apologising and over explaining for not doing things I didn’t want to do or for putting myself first. I stopped promising the world to everyone around me and as a result I became more consistent and the more boundaries I put in place, the more respect I had for myself.
Self-Love Baby
Living your life with the excessive urge to be agreeable, like I have for all these years, will end up in you never fully feeling free. What you’re basically saying is: ‘their opinion of me is more important than my opinion of myself’.
When I stopped feeling guilty for doing what’s best for me the right people, my people, they all stayed. I’m not saying say no to everything, but it’s just knowing when to be brave enough to say this is not what I want.