Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nothing gold can stay.

Recently I had to move out of yet another flat. It’s ridiculous how many times in the last two years I have moved, thank YOU London rental market.

As I was packing up all my belongings into boxes I came across a draw filled with old memories. Journals, Birthday cards, notes from friends, photo’s, tickets – some of them years old, all of them brought with me from place to place. I sat on the floor and read through them all.

And yes, in case you were wondering packing takes me a really, reaaaalllllly long time.

If you don’t keep a journal, I would highly recommend it because there is nothing more entertaining than reading back through your old emotions. Mostly it helps me to take myself less seriously because it really brings to life how dramatic I am about pretty much everything. A humbling experience to say the least.

As I sat on my bedroom floor surrounded by pieces of paper, nostalgia hit me HARD and I found myself feeling sad and happy all at the same time. That small draw was filled with so many memories each one of them golden.

‘Nothing gold can stay’ actually comes from a poem by Robert Frost where he talks about the fleeting nature of the seasons, it explores the idea that nothing lasts forever.

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

I’ve always had a problem with letting go, from a very young age I absolutely hated things coming to an end. I’d cry whenever Christmas was over or put up a fight when I knew my friends had to leave, I distinctly remember my mum coming to pick me up from a friend’s house once, only to come in to us marching round the living room holding up protest signs and chanting ‘CELESTE ISN’T LEAVING, CELESTE ISN’T LEAVING.’ As I said… incredibly over dramatic.

My issue has never been in appreciating moments whilst I’m in them, my problem is that most of the time I can’t fully enjoy them because I’m already sad about them ending. So, as you can imagine, the concept of nothing lasting forever is not one I am very comfortable with.

When I’m in those golden moments, I want to hold on to them and the people for dear life.

You’d think that given the amount I’ve moved around I would have got used to letting things go… but I’m 27 now and its only just starting to get easier.

Just like the seasons in the poem, as we move through the seasons of life, nothing can stay the same and change is a painful, inevitable, but beautiful thing.

The Seasons of life.

One chapter of my life that feels like a dream is Australia.

In Aus you form close friendships pretty fast… given the 24-plane journey between you and home, your friends become your family. And someone I became very close with was my dear little Kat, or as I like to call her… pea crisp.

Kat and I lived together for the majority of the time I was there in a VARIETY of different conditions. From hostel bunk beds to two single beds in one room, one thing remained consistent… we were attached at the hip. When we were apart at work we would be messaging all day and on the weekends her plans were mine, our lives completely intertwined.

If you had told me then that we would only see each other a handful of times a year, I probably would have thought that the friendship had failed… like something had happened between us.

But something did happen, life.

Your 20s are a weird one to navigate because all of a sudden everyone starts moving at very different paces. At school, even though everyone’s paths are always different we were all experiencing the same things at the same time. Exams, parties, summers of drinking straight vodka in random fields… it was a pretty level playing field and friends were a crucial part of who we were.

I can remember leaving school after being with my friends all day and running home to talk to them on Facebook, going on family holidays felt like a break up and sometimes even making it to lunch without my best friends was a struggle.

It’s not that friendship doesn’t hold that same importance anymore but it’s not the only thing holding us together, we don’t see each other every day at school or talk on MSN as soon as we get home. It doesn’t mean those friendships aren’t still there it’s just we are older and there is a distance between us.

And it makes sense, because we evolve. Just like plants, as we grow we have to expand to bigger spaces, move on to give our roots the chance to spread and grow and with this space we allow new places, memories and people into our lives.

The art to friendship is in learning when to accept distance, and when to fight to repair it.

Kat and I, we don’t speak every day or go for coffee every morning. I don’t hear her shouting MORNINGGGG to me through our bedroom walls and we don’t come home and listen to Shawn Mendes after a hard day. Because that season of life is over. Although I miss those versions of who we were, they are gone and that’s ok. We’ve moved into a new, different season together.

Forever and ever.

Romantic heartbreak is a widely spoken about topic, we see it in films, read about it in books… and if you’re anything like me, spend a lot of energy actively avoiding it. But no one really talks about the heartbreak of friendships. Growing apart from people is hard, in some cases it means letting go of the idea you once had of someone and though your friendship might look different now, having the patience to accept who they have become. But in other cases it means understanding when it’s time to let go of people who are no longer serving you. Relationships don’t need to last forever to serve their purpose.

I spend time investing in people who invest in me and in turn, I am lucky to be surrounded by people that build me up, who make me feel like the best version of myself and are there for me even when I don’t.

But the sad truth is along the way, i’ve lost some people too. Some i’ve actively walked away from and others I still love but from a distance.

It’s okay to outgrow places, people and things and it’s okay for them to outgrow you too.

It’s taken me a long time to learn the difference between who to let go and who to be patient with and for a long time I thought that when someone came into my life they were there to cover all basis.

This was a very unsustainable approach because rather than paying attention to who people actually were I was basing my expectations of them on an idea I had made up in my head.

Let’s imagine you buy a tiger. Before your pet tiger arrives you are getting excited, although you have never had a tiger you start to form an idea of what your life will be like with this new pet, based on how you THINK a tiger behaves. They’ll be big, ferocious and have a really loud roar, they’ll protect you and keep you safe.

When your tiger arrives he is half the size you thought he would be, he is gentle and never roars. Not what you had expected at all. And although this tiger has many other great qualities you are still left disappointed, does this mean the tiger is any less of a tiger? No

Removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them, in the same way you cannot expect everyone to treat you how you would treat them. There’s an art to understanding the purpose that each person serves in your life.

I have friends who I could call on any night of the week if I wanted a wild night out, they are here for a good time but would I go to them with my life’s problems or when i’m upset? Probably not. Equally I have friends who I see once every 6 months but if I called them and said I had murdered someone, they would 100% jump to my side to help me hide the body.

There are friends, lovers and relationships that are seasonal.

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be and teach you how to love yourself better.

You’ll always be saying goodbye to phases and seasons of life. Those moments will fade, but with that brings new shiny golden seasons right to your door.

And although it’s true that nothing gold can stay, I truly believe that if you let life happen, you get comfortable with change and hold onto the lessons you’ve learnt then those moments, people and you

can stay gold forever.

Cel x